Letting Go and Moving Forward: Finding Clarity Beyond Blame

Posted on March 14, 2025 By dizzythinkerComments Off

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Letting go and moving forward is easier said than done. I used to believe that if I could just assign blame, I’d gain control over a situation. It felt like identifying a cause would bring closure, like pinpointing the exact moment something went wrong would allow me to prevent it from happening again.

But in reality by not letting go and moving forward, that need for control only kept me locked in place, constantly revisiting the past and all the pain associated with it. Instead of letting go and moving forward, blame created an illusion of understanding, but it wasn’t the kind that actually helped me heal – it just prevented me from letting go and moving forward.

Letting go and moving forward means removing blame as a safety net, even when blame makes our pain feel structured, more understandable. But I am finding that it doesn’t come with the relief I was searching for. Instead, I found it kept me anchored to the past, replaying what went wrong, searching for validation, and holding onto an expectation that I might finally make sense of it all. But at what cost?

For me, overthinking has never really been about blame. It has been about understanding—understanding myself, the people around me, and the dynamics that shape how we interact. I’ve spent so much of my life observing people, trying to decode the patterns, searching for what’s “normal.” I remember being a kid and watching how people interacted, trying to understand what made certain reactions acceptable while others were met with silence or discomfort.

I’d replay conversations in my head, trying to pinpoint where things shifted—where someone pulled away, where the tone changed, where I missed something that everyone else seemed to understand. That habit followed me into adulthood, where I found myself overanalyzing situations, searching for answers in places where there often weren’t any clear ones.

The need to understand for me wasn’t about blame—it was about making sense of a world that often felt unpredictable and confusing. So when something unexpected happens—something that doesn’t fit the patterns I’ve come to recognize—I find myself questioning what I missed. What do I need to look out for going forward? What didn’t I see? Where did I go wrong? More often than not, that search for understanding is mistaken for blame and preventing me from letting go and moving forward.

The Core of It: Connection Through Understanding, Not Accusations

Blame made me feel like I was in control. It gave me an illusion of clarity, assigning responsibility where none is clearly defined. But in reality, blame feeds itself, keeping me locked in the same pain while making me believe I have control over it. In those moments when I felt powerless, I clung to blame as if it could steady me, only to realize it was the very thing keeping me stuck.

I convinced myself that pinpointing exactly where things went wrong and who was responsible would bring me clarity and understanding. But it never did. It only kept me reliving the same emotions and pain, searching for meaning where there may have been none, and trapping myself in to an endless cycle of frustration rather than putting that energy in to healing.

But what if the need for understanding doesn’t have to mean dwelling in the past? What if, instead of searching for someone to blame, I could shift my focus to recognizing patterns? I’ve always analyzed everything—people, situations, reactions—trying to predict outcomes and protect myself. But that analysis was always external, focused on others, on survival.

Now, I am learning to turn that same analysis inward, asking not why someone acted a certain way, but how I can respond differently. Instead of asking, Why did this happen to me? I’ve started asking, What can I take from this? How can I shift my focus from decoding someone else’s choices to understanding what role I played in allowing it to happen, or how I can ensure I navigate things differently moving forward?

Every experience, no matter how painful, leaves behind something—an insight, a lesson, a shift in perspective. Letting go and moving forward isn’t easy, but true peace comes from focusing on what we can control. Learning how to shift from blame to understanding can bring clarity, healing, and self-awareness. It isn’t about ignoring the hurt; it’s about recognizing that my energy is better spent on what comes next rather than what could have been different.

I am also finding that at times, understanding can be as easy as trying to seeing the full picture. People are complex, and actions are rarely as simple as they appear on the surface. When someone acts in a way that feels out of sync with what I expected, I try to take a step back. I remind myself that their world doesn’t revolve around me—they could be dealing with something I know nothing about, or maybe they’re just an asshole.

Either way, me obsessing over it changes nothing. Sometimes, I even make up a story in my head that justifies their actions—not because I believe it, but to remind myself that there could be a reason, even if there probably isn’t. In the end, whether I ever truly understand or not, my energy is better spent moving forward and learning what I can from the experience.

Letting Go and Moving Forward: Seeking Understanding, and Not Blame or Excuses

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that understanding someone means excusing them. I used to believe that if I let go of my anger, it meant I was condoning what happened. But I’ve realized that understanding isn’t about justification—it’s about perspective. Letting go and moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean I won’t hold people accountable for their actions. It just means I will no longer carry the outcome of their choices as if I could have controlled them.

I’ve stopped seeing my past experiences as things that happened to me and started recognizing them as moments that helped shape me. Many have left scars, very few offered clarity, but I am finding that all of them have taught me something—even if it’s taking an apparent lifetime to understand what all the lessons truly are.

One of the most significant shifts in letting go happened when I stopped focusing on what I couldn’t change and started asking myself what I could take from the experience instead. I used to spend what felt like a lifetime obsessing over why someone’s actions didn’t align with what I thought I knew about them. I kept replaying conversations, searching for hidden meaning, convinced that if I could just understand, I’d finally feel at peace. But all I found was exhaustion.

The moment I shifted my focus from why did they do this? to what do I do with it now? things changed. Understanding their reasons—whether valid or not—wouldn’t undo what had already happened. But understanding my response, my patterns, and how I got there? That’s starting to help me find my power. It hasn’t erased or even diminished the hurt, but it is allowing me to move forward instead of staying trapped in endless, unanswerable questions.

The Challenge of Accepting What We Can’t Control

There’s an undeniable comfort in thinking that if we just try hard enough, if we just say the right words, we can make someone understand us. But the truth is, most people are too caught up in their own world to even try to see yours. Some never will. Others just don’t care to. Either way, spending energy trying to convince them only drains us further, and for what?

I am finding that no matter how much I analyze a situation, replay conversations, or search for hidden meaning in someone’s words, actions, or lack thereof: their choices—whether fair, hurtful, or completely baffling—are not mine to manage. Their choices and the consequences of them—whether I understand them or not—are theirs to live with, just as mine are mine.

I’ve had to accept that just because I wouldn’t have made the same choice doesn’t mean someone else’s decision is beyond understanding, or maybe even the right choice – for them. People act based on their experiences, beliefs, and whatever makes sense to them in that moment—even if it doesn’t make sense to me. That doesn’t mean their actions are justified, warranted or excused, but it does mean they are human. And, if I expect the freedom to make mistakes and grow, I have to be willing to extend that same freedom to others—within reason.

Letting Go and Moving Forward Without All the Answers

I am learning that letting go and moving forward isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about realizing that not all answers are necessary. For me, it’s about making peace with what remains unresolved and moving forward anyway. I used to think that if I could just understand why things happened the way they did, I’d feel better. That clarity would bring closure and somehow make everything right.

Instead, I’ve learned that some things will never fully make sense, and waiting for answers is only kept me stuck. So now, I am learning to focus on the moments where I can reclaim myself, rather than chasing explanations that won’t change the past.

Growth doesn’t happen overnight. There was a time when I felt completely stuck, convinced that no matter what I did, I wasn’t making progress. Every day felt the same—no major breakthroughs, no tangible proof that I was moving forward. But looking back, I realize healing was happening in the smallest, quietest of ways. The moments when I reacted differently than I would have before. The times I didn’t let my emotions spiral. The days I existed without carrying the same weight.

And then, recently – in the kind of incident that should have triggered a familiar cycle of self-doubt, anger, frustration leading to an inevitable spiral. But this time, I saw it for what it was. I recognized the manipulation, the deflection, the attempts to twist reality into something that better served them.

And for the first time, I didn’t take the bait, I didn’t engage. I didn’t try to defend myself or prove my truth because I finally understood—this person wasn’t willing or able to listen. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t have mattered. Their version of reality was already decided, and I wasn’t going to waste my energy fighting for a space in a conversation where I was never meant to be heard. I refuse to keep justifying my existence to those who refuse to see me.

That was progress. It just didn’t look the way I expected it to. Some days, I feel solid—like I’ve finally moved past things that once consumed me. Other days, old wounds resurface in unexpected ways, and I catch myself wondering if I’ve really made any progress at all. But I’m learning that those moments aren’t setbacks; they’re checkpoints. Proof that healing isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about learning how to carry it differently.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough for today.

Featured Song: Old Me

“Old Me” by 5 Seconds of Summer ▶️ Listen on Apple Music
Music Speaks, where Words Fail – for me at least. Music has always been more than just sound to me—it’s been a language when words fail, a refuge when the world feels too loud, and a mirror reflecting the emotions I struggle to express.

Music has this unique ability to validate feelings I didn’t even realize I had, making sense of the chaos in my mind. I use music as a form of connection—to myself, to my experiences, and to others. Whether it’s finding solace in lyrics that speak the unspoken or using a melody to ground myself in the present, music is woven into every part of my journey and is the one constant that has been there all along the way. It’s not just background noise; it’s a guide, a coping mechanism, and, sometimes, the only thing that makes sense when nothing else does.

Additional Resources

The Psychology of Forgiveness – Psychology Today | A how-to guide on the science behind learning to forgive
How to recognize and tame your cognitive distortions – Harvard Medical School | Explores thought patterns that reinforce blame and resentment.

A Quiet Defiance: Choosing to Stay When Everything Says Leave